Alright guys this topic has been heavy on my mind lately.
Do you know anyone, or you may be one yourself, who constantly apologizes for things they should not be sorry for? And I’m talking about things like being assertive, wanting to commit to your words despite how it makes others feel, or even doing something special for yourself. Do you ever catch yourself or anyone close to your heart apologizing for things like that?
Well I do. I have to live with witnessing this process day in and day out and honestly just watching it happen is very draining. My mother is what I like to call the “sorry woman”. She apologizes for everything! And her apologies are not a straight up I’m sorry. Oh no, her apologies are more in the fashion where she feels bad about whatever it was that has made her feel this way, and then she’ll spend hours talking about it before she finally caves in.
I love my mother very much but by allowing herself to feel as though everything that happens to anybody close to her heart is her responsibility is the biggest burden she carries.
And it gets exhausting trying to communicate this fact to her. She doesn’t see individual struggles, she sees group struggles. If you have a problem, then that means she’s has a problem. If you’re going through something, she’s going through that same thing with you. Its like she has learned how to attach herself to others in a way where she’s living multiple lives and therefore she’s battling multiple battles.
And I see the exhaustion of this process almost every day.
I don’t know why my mother is like this, at least not entirely. And I couldn’t tell you if she’s been like this her whole life. The only thing I can tell you is that this is the woman I have known my whole life and over the years I have learned a lot from her consistency as the sorry woman.
People learn to take advantage of your sympathy
It sounds so wrong to say it but it’s true. When you are constantly trying to please everyone, and you constantly take the blame for everything, people learn to see that as a sign of weakness. Therefore, they begin to take advantage of it by continually doing things, or putting themselves in situations where they know they can evoke sympathy from you. Once they have it they use it as a weapon to get something that they secretly wanted. It’s sad to say that such a thing is pre-meditated, but I’ve seen it plenty of times over the years, in the same pattern to know better than to think it’s a matter of bad luck, or a series of unfortunate events (have you seen the Netflix series yet? It’s amazing!).
You stop looking after yourself
When you take on everyone’s problems you become a shadow in your own world. Everyone else is the light that shine, the one that has taken center stage and gets all of your attention. That’s not fair. To be an outcast in your own world, who wants that? You train yourself to focus on everyone else around and you forget all about yourself. But I’ve always been a firm believer in the idea of needing to be able to take care of yourself in order to take care of anybody else. If you’re not ok, not in a good headspace, or at the very least have enough energy to give 100% to yourself, what good will you be to anyone else? Just something to always keep in mind when you feel like you need to be the hero all the time.
You miss out on the world
This is a huge one. When you’re constantly trying to find solutions to other people’s problems the world literally just passes you by. You may be trying to find a way to get your loved one to go on a trip to Africa, and while you’re doing that you’re missing out on your grandchild take their very first step. Everything in life requires some type of sacrifice. Lets’ face it we can’t do it all, all the time. Sometimes we have to let something go. But when that something is something that costs you a memorable experience, or a once in a lifetime thing, who will be apologizing for your missed opportunity?
You constantly feel defeated
One of the biggest things about feeling responsible for everyone important in your life is that sometimes you don’t get the end result you had hoped for. If they wanted to be able to walk away from this bad situation with a place to call home and food to be put in their stomach every day, and all you were able to make happen for them was a month stay at a good friend of yours house, they feel disappointed. Their disappointment makes you feel defeated. And when you feel defeated you feel the need to try again and this time go above and beyond. Nobody should have to live their life constantly feeling as though what they are doing is not good enough.
Victory isn’t as tasteful as you thought it’d be
When you find those solutions those around you may be happy and satisfied but there’s an empty hole left inside you. That hole is representative of all the important things you let slip by that were meant to make you happy and satisfied you. You sacrificed that for the sake of everyone else, but no one sacrificed anything of theirs for the sake of you.
Now guys I’m not trying to beat down, look down upon, or make anyone feel bad about being the “sorry person”. I’m just trying to shed some light here on your needs. It’s so important to remember and commit to taking care and treating ourselves as often as possible. Not only do we keep a healthy cycle of feeling food about ourselves, but we also set examples what it means to be a strong person.
I can remember as a little girl and a very naïve adolescent thinking that my mother was so weak for living her life pleasing others. I use to despise her for this because I never saw her be good to herself. As I got older I began to understand that as a mother, a daughter, a sister, and a friend she feels pressured to satisfied everyone. The scary thing about this was that when I evaluated my role as a sister, a daughter, and a friend I realized how much of my mother I had unconsciously adopted.
I too feel the need to please others.
So, upon reaching young adulthood this was something I vowed to change. I vowed to myself to practice the art of saying no more that art of saying yes or just doing something because I felt responsible. Once I did this I have seen my life transform in ways I honestly never thought possible for someone like me.
I focus more on the things that I want for myself and I actually commit to the process of watching my passions develop, transform, and unfold. I spend more time focusing on my needs in a way where I know when I need to re-focus or re-center myself in order to find balance in my life once more.
And this is something I truly believe anybody is capable of. All you have to do is just make yourself a priority. Put your needs first. Trust and understand that you are not a bad person if you choose to treat, love, and be kind to yourself. And those who truly love you should be supportive and encouraging of you putting yourself first.
The moral of the story here is that, that “sorry person” constantly apologizes for the things they should not be sorry for. It’s not fair and it can be very defeating. Instead of constantly being sorry for the things you should not be apologizing for, try being unapologetic for the things that are important or matter to you.
Take that vacation. Make a spa day. Go to the movies. Have a girls/guys’ night out. Live your life.
We only get one, and we can’t waste it on pleasing others. It needs to be lived with us living, loving, treating, and pleasing ourselves.
So, commit to yourself with absolutely no apologies.
-Xo
Kimora